Appearance matters too much?

Every morning I get up and I have to look at myself in the mirror.I am ashamed of what I see. Fives years ago I started losing weight and within two years I had lost 120 pounds. Then within another 2 years I gained it back. Well not all but most. I can't help but feel ashamed for what I have done. Because of feeling ashamed I can't seem to get it together enough to lose the weight again. I look at people and they must think how could she have done that? Well I honestly wonder that myself. I look at myself and I wonder how did I let myself do this. I don't want to be heavy the rest of my life but...well there shouldn't be a but. I know what I need to do, but getting it done is really difficult.

I then look at my husband and think, wow that man deserves a woman that will care enough about herself to take care of herself for her family. I want to see my girls grow. I want to help them get ready for their proms. Do they still do proms? I want to sit by my wonderful husband the day they get married and cry that my babies are grown. If this is going to happen I need to lose the weight and keep it off. This is where the problem lies, getting the weight off. I have done weight watchers and it worked but right now I just can't seem to do it. I haven't had the energy or the want. You have to have the want and I have to do it for me. But when your opinion of yourself is so low you don't believe you deserve anything for yourself it makes that difficult. Right now because of the gain I am at that point. Because I let myself go back to do this I don't believe I deserve the time and energy in improving myself. Is this irrational thought absolutely. But my self worth seems to be wrapped up in whether I am skinny or heavy. If I am skinny I seem to be worth more then if I am heavy. Am I really less of a person when I am heavy? I think so, but I don't know if other people think that. Whether I am heavy or skinny, I am still a mother, a teacher, and a wife. Whether skinny or fat I am still all those people. I will say I am better at being those when I am skinny. But I am still all those things. Why do we tie so much of who we see ourselves as being into our appearance and our weight? What I look like on the outside isn't who I am on the inside. It has nothing to do with how I feel about people or my kids, husband or family. The only difference it has is on how I feel about me.

Well these are my thoughts today no matter how scattered and depressing! I need to realize that I am who I am no matter what I look like. I need to like myself as much as other people like and care about me.

Till next time. God Bless.